Reflections on a scene
Submitted By: Alishia

I had hoped for/expected something different. Reflections on a scene  Some sweet, intimate rope that left me feeling loved, safe, protected and wanted.

I got something different.

The tie started, then I was up, suspended. Spare rope was wound around my head in my mouth, effectively gagging me. Slowing spinning.

CRACK! I was hit with a belt out of nowhere. I started to squirm in the ropes and tried to curl my body up to protect myself, make myself small like I did when I was a kid. I tried to cry out but couldn't do more than make a small noise through the rope.

A while ago I had tentatively asked if we could try using a belt. "I want to get over what was done to me." The fear it brings out in me, the helplessness, the shame and the confusion about what I had done to deserve it - to be honest there often wasn't even an excuse.

So my mind fell into it. What had I done wrong? Had I been bad? Was I being punished? In front of all these people? The feelings so long buried welled up and burst out.

Again and again. The tears poured down my face and I was wracked with sobs. I kept shaking my head no. No. No. No. He pulled the rope out of my mouth. Please not again, not the belt. No, I don't want to go down but just not the belt...

One last time... Then I went down and was abruptly untied because people were rudely awaiting to use the point, not knowing I needed some time to reconnect, to feel loved and cared for - that's a part of what untying should be.

Down I went. I was out of it. Confused. Hurt. Lost in memories and emotions I hadn't had in a long time. Didn't want to be around these people, these friends. "I need to go home. Now. Please."

In the car, curling up. The crying started. Later, curled up with his arms around me. "You were so beautiful up there." And I realized, what he saw, what everyone else saw and what I thought were two very different things. "I wanted to do something you wouldn't forget, something special and different. A surprise."

I didn't know what I needed, what aftercare would help me. I struggled with it all.

The days after I was shaken and felt a little numb. But there were things to do, cleaning and packing and organizing. So there was little time to reflect.

I've had some time now. I know that intent is so important. Some don't realize how important. He made me beautiful in my suffering. Brought our real and raw emotions and showed them to the world. In the end, I trust him with everything I am and know that I needed this. Some perspective, some reflection, acceptance.

Not knowing it was coming forced me to really feel and experience. If I had been told before hand, I would have braced myself. Blocked those parts of myself and limited it all to nothing. Now, as I reflect, it's clear and I am grateful... and it's definitely not an experience I'll forget.

I still don't know how to cope with the fallout though.